Cycles

No wait
I just got hit with a revelation.

Everything cruel I do to my boys,
my little puppets,
is what has been done cruelly to me,
especially by Caleb.

I will not return your love
because he doesn't return mine.

I allow you to swoon and write poetry and confess you love me
because he did the same to me without returning any affection.

I won't answer questions,
because thousands of mine have gone unanswered.

I won't choose one of you,
because I myself have been kept up in the air for months.

I will kiss you but will not love you
because I've been kissed without love too many times.

I will give myself to you for happiness's sake
without caring for you myself
because I want your happiness
just like Caleb does.

I have to think of more then write it on here. Because there are thousands, seriously.


But first, and foremost.
I have left you
because I've grown bored
because I say I've rushed into it
because I say that even though I do love you
it just wasn't meant to be.
All this was done to me.
At least I gave you a longer time for being mine
than he did.
Because I want to be better for him,
him who's always a step in front of me
and not looking back.
I want to be better
and be a puppeteer
when I'm just a puppet myself.

do elephants go through puberty

(The title was what came up on my drop down screen. I liked it)

Caleb told me he was going to ask me out.
And I didn't need that.
(Though it would've been amazing)
I was glad he thought of me
even if someone persuaded him
to not go out with me.

Garett keeps writing this amazing stuff
and Jake says he doesn't want to love me.
Where's Tisen in all this?
Silly puppet got away.

I told Jake I never wanted to be in love.
That's a lie
and he saw right through it.
I feel like I'm lying to him
and to Garett
when I know I'm telling the truth.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough.
Other times I hate them and want them
to get out of my life.
But I've seen them alone.
I've watched the loneliness consume them.
And they look exactly like me
when I'm lonely.
I will not leave them
to this world
because they're better than that.
They're better than me,
but they're also better than loneliness
and I am better than loneliness.

I won't leave them.
I love them.
So much.
They drive me crazy,
I hate them sometimes,
I've thrown my phone across the room
and wanted to smack them until their cheeks are too red.
But I've wanted to hold Garett's head in my lap
and sing for him
and make him smile
in any way I can.

I want to give my all for them.
I'm just so scared to love them.
Don't tell them, but..
I already do.

It's easy to love so many different people
when your heart's been broken as many times
as mine has.
It's just another little piece
that they get to keep for themselves
forever.
and ever.
even if the sky is falling down.

Owl City

So I spent the last two nights talking with Caleb-kun.
Last night he was afraid of the commitment.
I wonder what today will bring.
I just want to love him, that's all.

Now that I've mentioned I have a blog,
my mom will want to see it.
Blogs are a good way
to write often
and true to oneself.
Even a woman at the
Columbia University thing said that.
Of course, she was awful.

I broke up with Garett
and Caleb stepped into my life.
It wasn't even intentional.
But for a few days,
it felt like it used to be.
I'm kinda dumb.
Nothing's as it ever will be.

We listen to Owl City together
and think about each other.
I don't know if that's a good thing
because some songs are about
missing each other all the time
because we can't be together.
but most are rejoicing,
because at least the Owl City guy
knows he's found his love.
Dumb Caleb.
He's found his too.
He just doesn't know what to do.

Yeah, Mom would kill me if she read this.

Jekka-nee called this morning
to see if I wanted to go to an anime convention
at King of Prussia.
This sort of stuff
always burns holes in wallets
and I said I'd need to save up.
Also I have this date tonight.
Which won't be fun..
Or it might be.
I just miss Caleb
because when he's away
there's nowhere I'd rather be
than with him.
And when he's there
and I can rest
in his arms
my ear against his chest
listening to his heartbeat
nothing can offer more happiness.

My couch cushions smell like him.
I wanted to sleep on them last night,
but I think I'll just leave them as they are.
Rest on them sometimes
and breathe him in
like I would
for those few days
when we were in love.

In School

I'm supposed to be doing an in-class write right now.
It's for a grade
and I just don't feel like it.

:)

I dreamt about cake last night.
If you haven't noticed,
this isn't going to be romantic.
This is going to be me
avoiding my in-class write
and the grade
I just don't feel like getting.

I got Advanced in my 4sights,
and I'm proud.
I'm more proud of saving
my friend last night.
I told her she was worth
millions
and that I loved her.
She called me
and said she'd told herself
that would be her last text.
She sent me a picture of the noose.
I cried and wished I were there
so I could hug her.

See, I can do this.
I can write this.
I can't write about someone else's
story,
their reactions to things,
their heart.
can't do it.
don't want to..

my boy will ask me why.
because i didn't feel like it?
i dont even feel like capitalizing..
i'll get started..
because time's
almost
up

Conversation with Cierra

arreic627 [11:50 P.M.]: why did you guys break up in the first place...?Pumagrl1130 [11:50 P.M.]: i dont even remember -- i think it was temptation --my friend liked me-- and i was just pulled away -- i was so torn, bc my best friends didnt even recognize garett and i as something that was going to last Pumagrl1130 -- and i got too scared about what they thought-- and what they wanted-- but i realized on sunday sitting there listening to "our" song, that it wasnt their song, it wasnt their eyes stinging from too many tears. it was mine, those feelings i had were mine, and they shouldnt have touched them arreic627 [11:52 P.M.]: as long as your happy-- and he treats you well-- then i am happy

Truths

I was beautiful.
But it was sexiness. It was the ability to flash skin, brush up against something, wink of the eye, toss of the hair, a grin, a curl of the lips. The sort of things that drive a guy crazy. Giving him what he wants and then some. They think they're getting lucky. I make them think again. They're left with more than what they'd expected and less than they'd wanted.
I was beautiful because I was wanted, lusted after. Poetry written praising my skin and eyes that flash like fire and the swaying of my hips.
I was like Marilyn Monroe, know her? She was a sex toy, the perfect woman, beautiful in every way. But she also had brains. She had thoughts and perspectives on life that were like poetry in big bold letters. Here's some of her quotes http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/m/marilyn_monroe.html
Of course, I wasn't that sort of beautiful for everyone. The real me can be found in Tisen's and Caleb's words. They know me best, more than I know myself. Actually. I guess I just can't explain.

I wish I could.

Tell me a truth.
Don't tell me lies.
Don't you know I've heard enough of those?
And enough of truths that aren't lies now, but aren't truths anymore.
Boys tell me they love me a lot. A lot a lot. And then they don't mean it.

Or I break their hearts.
Don't I warn them? Every time I do.
Since the first heart I broke.

How about some story time?
I didn't break the heart first. My own was broken.
I don't remember what I thought of my boyfriend before it,
but when he suddenly broke up with me,
just because we were going into high school,
it shattered.
And it shattered more when I found out he'd been cheating,
and more when other boys wouldn't take care of it.
I don't remember when I broke my first heart actually.
But it was definitely a conscious effort,
a sort of.. pay back?
I was beautiful, my boyfriend taught me everything, I gave him.. I nearly gave him everything.. and he left me. What made any other boy worth it at all?
That was my reasoning.

I guess I'll have to talk about it later where it began to flip from the boy not being worth it to me not being worth it. I guess when the guys started leaving me instead of leaving them.

But until then.. this boy is worth it. He makes me feel worth it. All these feelings-- worth it.

And I just found the quote that I've had to live by for a long time. What am I going to do with you, Garett-kun? Making me rethink everything I thought I was sure about in relationships?! <3
"A wise girl kisses but does not love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left."

Ink Girl

Writing makes me feel better.
Here's some of the ideas spinning around in my head,
for a story I'll write some day.

• A ghost pedophile only children can see. Kids start disappearing or showing signs of rape. Who? How? And why is it that there isn't even a fingerprint? (Kinda dark..)
• A coming-of-age story from the perspective of the imaginary friend. She dies in the end, or doesn't. Who knows.
• Daytime Lullaby -- that's the title. It's the same as the title of the song that Caleb-kun wrote for me. He requested it a little over a month ago, that I write down the story of our love life. It's really just depressing. He gets girlfriends, I get boyfriends, he wants me back, and most of the time I leave my boyfriends for him. I wonder how he'd react if I told him I won't do that this time, that I won't leave Garett-kun. Anyway, the nights we spent together, the days we'd go out and not stop smiling. I can't write it when he has his girlfriends though, it's all too sad. And I feel awful writing about the memories when I have Garett-kun. When I'm in those memories, I'm in love with Caleb. I won't go into them when I have Garett-kun, not until I'm ready.
• I feel like I should write the story of Eppie-chan, about how I came to be surrounded by older people who love me and I love them. Maybe it'll be a short story. Maybe a collection of poems. But definitely happiness. Maybe I'll give it to them on the day of my graduation from high school.
• Have you ever wondered if there were a world of math? That maybe squares wanted to be rectangles and couldn't be? That lines want to be parabolas and there was a giant math war? I wondered that. And one day I may even write about it.
• I know I'll want to write and illustrate a children's book. Something simple and pretty. :)
• What else? Is that it? There feels like there's so much more. Cursed stories *shakes fist*
• And then there's the sequel that I'll probably never write
• And I never finished Through My Eyes. I can't bring myself to it >.<

Really? How much room has this taken up? A lot? ^ - ^'' sorry. I really don't want to go to bed. I want to stay up and write and then just throw away that evil test tomorrow.

Evil test..

Let's see. I'm still not dressed. I've gone to bed not dressed or when I'm home alone I'll walk around naked. That might be one of the reasons I'm never getting married.

Never getting married. Ever ever. I'm going to be a Latin teacher and then at night I'll write. And I'll have a piano for when Caleb-kun comes to visit and he'll play for me and I'll write for him. Happiness. Never getting married. I'll have two dogs and children -- of course, they'll be made out of paper and ink. :)

I think if I knew I was going to die, I'd want someone to inject ink into my blood. If it were up to me, I'd get my skin turned into paper and blood mixed with ink and have probably Daytime Lullaby printed on it. I'd haunt that thing like no shit.

Well that was creepy AND morbid.

If I ever donated an organ I'd want the doctors to also send a copy of one of my books. "Hey, you got a liver. It's actually the liver of this fantastic writer!! Here's one of her books!" It's cocky, but fuck, it's my liver.

Still not dressed. Kinda cold. And it's nearly 11. I just freaked out because I was afraid I wouldn't get my homework done. Then I remembered the evil test.

To be made out of paper and ink. I think I'd envy my "children". Maybe in a stroke of madness I'd burn them all.

Now I'm just being scary.

This is really long at this point. And I'm rambling. And I think Garett's sleepy.

And I can't even wake him up by turning him on. That's what I do with all of my guy friends, wake them up that way. *laughs lightly* Why am I, a ho, dating such a non-sexual person!? Will it be good for me? Probably.

Who knows.

It's Jekka's birthday soon. I'm all excited. I need to buy her more gifts.. I may do that on Thursday. *shrugs*

God I love her.

Lord, help me out tomorrow, okay? this test won't be easy. And they probably won't even let me listen to music, which is depressing. I'll listen to the Moonlight Sonata tomorrow though, that'll help me.

I love the moon too. Where is she tonight? I wish she'd dance for me.

I'll dance for her instead. Sleep well, beautiful moon, rest yourself. Your little nymph will dance instead. <3

This is probably a bad idea to give this site url to Garett-kun, seeing as it talks about Caleb-kun a lot.. Whoops? I'll look back and try to make up for them.

Welcome :D Basically, what this will be is Daily Sparks, which is a book series where you're given daily writing prompts. Really good for writers.. Also, it may be like a journal.
As I've told you,
these words will hurt you. Especially what I've written about Caleb-kun.
these words will confuse you.
But I know something, and it might be conceited, but I still like the thought of it. These words won't take you from me. You promised me you'd be here for me, that I could exist outside of your affection and for other people's love, but that you still want to be mine.
Silly boy, what have you gotten yourself into?

Confined

It's been a while, huh? ^ - ^' sorry

Locked in my room after my mom caught me running away and hit me. I can't wait until it bruises, and so she'll constantly be reminded of what a madwoman she is.

I dealt with Graduation really well, urged on by Jekka-nee's strength... I don't know what I want to do with the tassle strings, I might just braid them and wear them. But I want them to last, until we're all together again. That may be weeks, months... it can't be years. I'll survive, but the Eppie-ish happiness may not.

Oh god, my last post was about Caleb-kun wasnt it? ... y'know, I'd made sure I could edit my posts, so if anything changed I could put another date in.

Everything's settled down, so... guess this is it. Sorry..

Let's keep an agenda

February 15th:: Kiss-iversary
April 14th::~ Asked to be his girlfriend ~ *his idea*
April 15th::

• First Day of Relationship, told lots of people
• (Approx.)10:30 PM :: Breakup ~his idea~

Probably within the next week:: Everything will be okay, he won't feel trapped and Tadu will stop riding me about my extremely low self-esteem. Well, I think it's okay if he breaks up with me, because I know he's gonna come back at some point, perhaps even after growing after a relationship with someone else. (Does he know that's okay?) I'll be here. That drives Tadu crazy, she can't believe I'd wait around.

Who knows? Maybe he'll actually be telling me he loves me again by Saturday.

I feel this is a weekly cycle...

I don't even feel the pains of breakup. Do we need a tub of ice cream, sad sobby movies? Nope. I think he's numbed my senses. And I live by extremes. Because of him? If I don't live all my emotions as strongly as possible, I feel numb, monotone, like I'm getting worn down? Maybe I am.

I don't even know what I'd do if someone asked me out. Have I worn Caleb-kun down so much too that it wouldn't hurt him either?

I can't stand us apart, he can't stand us together. It was well symbolized today when I had "in a relationship" as a status on Facebook and he still hadn't changed it from "single".

Still would've adored how the little skanks that follow him around would've taken his click of the button to "In a Relationship". He's too nice though, maybe that's why he said he wasn't ready for me.

Like Romeo said to Juliet, he is the pilgrim and she the saint. I know what I'm doing. I'm glad I don't know how to legitimately kill someone, don't know where to hit for torture or quick deaths, never shot a gun, couldn't handle poison. I couldn't kill, because I regret fast.

(well that was saintly now wasn't it? after all, im the monster and he's the angel, no matter how many people see it otherwise. perhaps even he sees me as the monster now)

And tomorrow he'll wake up and realize his terrible mistake and come back again and again. ... and again and again...

I worry about tomorrow. I worry about tonight. But I don't worry about today. Wonder how people will take it on Facebook. "A day-long relationship?" I know my mother will want to kill him. But I could tell Facebook, "oh, just a mistake, a slip of the mouse". I never typed in his name anyway. That would've trapped him, I guess. But that excuse is in no way legitimate. There was no accident. I just screwed something up again today.

Tadu would kill me if she saw that, me saying I screwed up. She just keeps hating him. I wonder what will go through her head next time she sees us. Wonder what will go through his.

I keep saying I love him to myself like a mantra. Like it'll save me until tomorrow.

Waiting for tomorrow. Again. Weird, how it doesn't change. After all, it doesn't come anyway.

Kitty-nee's Journal

I'm reading Kitty-nee's (I'm backing down a bit and calling her by her twin name again. She doesn't seem like she wants to be my Mama.) thinking journal, going backwards. I don't know whether, in retrospect, she's coming out of something worse, or going deeper in.
At one point she said she doesn't want to be like Caleb-kun. This was I think February 27th or something close, a period of time where he was broken... by me. But it's better. He's better. Because we're in love. Who doesn't want Eppie-love?

One thing I know for certain is that I don't like countdowns.
Kitty-nee has lots within her pages.
Nonetheless, I'll start one. Some-odd days until they're taken from me. but that's not true at all. Nobody leaves Eppie-chan, she's special, she's been promised eternity. Eppie-chan's like Akito-san from Furuba. "Nobody will ever leave you. You have been promised eternity. A bond of blood." These people... w-we belong together. We can't be separated, not even when they walk across that stage and are packing up for college. Our seams cannot be cut apart without threatening the different fabrics edges forever. And even when they do leave, especially Jekka-nee and Kitty-nee... it's okay. I'm going with them, they will never, ever, be alone. Because Eppie-chan loves them. And love makes the miles into inches, so we can always just reach out and find... each other. Again and again.

"I'd turn pagan just to reincarnate and find you and fall in love with you all over again."

Ticklish

Every so often, Bubba-nii "resets" my nerves so I'm drastically ticklish.

However, this isn't about me. This is about Jekka-nee!
Ohhhh, I've found her ticklish place! Though it must be used in strong moderation, for if she were to become immune, or worse stern towards me! *shakes head* I'm glad she helped me today. Otherwise, I'm not sure what I would've done, me sitting there amongst the genitally (yes, not genially) arranged fruit. I'm glad she can see people's thoughts, emotions, and the such.

Now I know something that I know will physically affect her to make her happy. Ohhhh, sweet success! I'm terribly happy. Yes, because I know I can make her happy too. In new ways, if I'm feeling important! *smiles*

Watching the seniors today, I might've been extremely sad. It burned. What if this is as happy as they get? I can make them happier still then. As if every day's their last before their various cruel places separate them from each other. From me.

*shakes head*

I've found how to make each and every one of them happy. Except Mama-chan.
*fist against palm* there's my goal for the week! What makes Mama-chan happy?! *looks at feet* I mean, something I can do. I can't be Nephew. Though sometimes I wish I were, the way Mama looks at him.

So I have an accomplishment and another goal! Excellent!

Feather

So when Mama-chan told me I was this little girl, I liked her being able to know me so well to actually see me in other people. Maybe she was happy that I saw the Tohru in her when I was so like Kisa. I hope so. Kisa never left Tohru's side, and Tohru was happy with Kisa.

So I was this little girl with pink pigtails and I was happy with that until Mama told me I was just a figment of a girl's imagination. A girl like Jekka-nee. And though Mama was looking at me as if I were supposed to be frightened or appalled at the thought of being nonexistent... I wasn't. I was struck with unbelievable happiness when I was formed just because Jekka-nee was lonely. Though I'm not happy about that... imaginary friends can come along without us really realizing we're making them, or it can be intentional. For the first, it's fate, just like Jekka-nee and me meeting, learning about each other... I remember the first time she called me soeur. I had it written on my hand and kept retracing it so it would stay. Only when I was sure it was written in my heart did I let it wash off.
Or maybe it was intentional, which would mean I, the imaginary friend, was wanted. For a little bit, I was needed by her, and there might be something terribly sad about having to disappear, but I don't think so. After all, I'd done my job, hadn't I? I'd kept her safe and secure and happy until I had to hand her off to someone else.

Maybe I'd like to be an imaginary friend. Though Jekka-nee said it was sad, it reminds me of what I'd been thinking during Coraline. I'd thought "I would like to be those button-eyed people. Not the Other Mother, just the people there to make that one person happy, even just for a few hours maybe. I'd like to be able to just focus on that one person and make sure I can make them happy, dedicating my existence to them." And imaginary friends do just that. They can't leave you, they don't want to. They don't want to get you angry, they just want to heal you, help you. Have you learn.

And I'm glad I turned into a feather. Maybe I would've been sad if I'd just disappeared, terrified even. But a feather... a dainty little reminder of a pretty little bird that'd been there once, and was now somewhere else. Still flying? Warm in a nest? Cold on the sidewalk beside a nearly invisible window, because it'd been distracted? Or maybe teaching littler birds how to be like her, to bring a smile and be kind enough to leave when she's not needed, but just selfish enough to leave behind a little feather.

Life is a chess game.
I "shouldn't treat people like pawns"
he said. So I began to think.

Maybe that's all they are,
the boys who ask me out,
give me their numbers,
smile when I tell them I almost texted them.
Frown when I repeat the almost.

Yes, it's working.
They're lined up for me,
to protect me,
live for me,
die for me.
My little pawns.
Little playthings.

My rooks, Mama-chan and Uru-nii,
rushing ever forward,
reminding me not to forget simplicity,
frontal attacks and defense.

My parents, the bishops,
reminding me of God's love,
slipping in to help at diagonals.
They can only live in
black or white

My knights,
Tadu-chan,
Jekka-nee.
Protecting me in ways
unexpected.
Important.
I can't conquer without my knights.
Sometimes I even move them first,
out of harm,
to keep myself safe too.

And the queen!
Unconquerable,
she can't be controlled,
contained,
captured.
Feigns defenseless
and springs her trap.
She has no rules or limitations,
she moves as she pleases
where she pleases.
The queen is key,
important,
needed.
Irreplaceable.

The queen is hit!
The world stands still...

Pawns shove forward

into harm's path,

to bring her back.

Many are lost

but she is safe.

She steals more pawns,

rooks,

bishops,

knights!
The queen is unstoppable!

What did they just say?

He is exposed.

What did they say?

Unsafe.

What--?

Alone.

Afraid.

Defenseless.

They repeat themselves.

I've failed him,

couldn't do such a simple thing,

got overconfident,

got the pawns' hopes high,

misunderstood the rooks' advice,

ignored the bishops' quiet strengths

probably even slaughtered the faithful knights.

"Checkmate."

Because a queen is nothing without him.

There was no reason I was here but to do one thing.

And he's gone, taken.

My game is over,

my tricks and traps taken apart.

Because, even through it all,

I could not protect my king.

For him.

He'd promised.
Promised me that today we'd be together.

I try to ask myself
did he say no because
he knew it was wrong?
Or because he still wanted to?

Did he say no because
he didn't want to kiss me?
Or because a kiss wouldn't be enough?

He'd promised.

He'd built me up
given me so much strength
made me feel confident
sexy
... My god he'd made me feel beautiful.
Because I was his.
I am his.
I will ... always be his.

But he'd promised--
today we'd be together.
He'd be just as much mine
as I was his.

And he broke it.
Just as I've been breaking promises.
He rejected being mine
after promising.

We kissed once.
And he said no.
He broke his goddamn promise.
And if he'll do that...
what other promises will he break?

"By My Side"

From the Musical "Godspell"

Where are you going? Where are you going?
Will you take me with you?
For my hand is cold and needs warmth.
Where are you going?

Far beyond where the horizon lies, where the horizon lies,
and the land sinks into mellow blueness.

Oh please take me with you.

Let me skip the road with you,
I can dare myself, I can dare myself.
I'll put a pebble in my shoe and watch me walk,
I can walk and walk.
I shall call the pebble Dare

We will talk together about walking,
Dare shall be carried,
and when we both have had enough,
I will take him from my shoe, singing,
"Meet your new road"
Then I'll take your hand
finally glad that you are here
by my side
by my side
by my side, that you are here,
by my side.

"Maybe"

I like singing this.
"Maybe" from Annie

Maybe far away, or maybe real nearby,
he may be pouring her coffee
she may be straight'ning his tie.

Maybe in a house all hidden by a hill,
she's sitting play pianah.
he's sitting paying a bill.

Betcha they're young, betcha they're smart,
bet they collect things like ashtrays and art.
Betcha they're good, why shouldn't they be?
Their one mistake was giving up me.

So maybe now it's time,
and maybe when I wake,
they'll be there calling me Baby.
Maybe.

Betcha he reads, betcha she sews,
maybe she's made me a closet of clothes.
Maybe they're strict, as straight as a line.
Don't really care. As long as they're mine.

So maybe now this prayer's
the last one of its kind.
Won't you please come get your baby?
Maybe.

Tishen-kun's Valentine Questions

what kind of jewelry do u like?

"lets see... i really like necklaces, because my neck used to be really ticklish, like when my best friend had once wrapped her arms around my shoulder and was speaking to someone, her breath had tickled my neck and it was just so ticklish and wonderful. so i really like necklaces... i lose bracelets too easily because they feel like shackles, which terrify me, and i dont get to even see earrings heh"

Do u prefer gold or silver?

"It really doesn't matter. Which costs less?""which do you generally think is prettier?" "let's come back to that."

Favorite gem stone?

after looking for a long time, i gave up and he suggested mystic fire topaz.

<----

Favorite flower?

"Daisies!" "You're so adorable!"

Favorite color rose?

"Orange roses communicate desire, enthusiasm and fascination. They make an excellent choice for a new relationship that you wish to pursue further."

Favorite type of chocolate?

"Dark white or milk?" "Milk pweez!" "what filling?" "i like caramel "

I just felt like writing about that...

I do not like this boy for what he does to her.

Here's my resolution for tomorrow.
Make her happy.
Even in the littlest ways.

My senior friends think Eppie-chan's so terribly adorable and innocent. I hope he thinks so as well. I feel like the girl from Hard Candy (note to self, kill pedophiles *hee hee*). innocent and vulnerable. mhmm.

Katie-tadu wonders why I hang out with them. It's because of this, because of what Brandon-senpai and I are doing. "Contriving." <- new word. i learned lots of new words today. but where tadu-chan and our friends would speak it out, we plot. we speak with one another with concern not disdain of our problems.

how i'll miss them. how i'll miss this all.

~ Instant Poem ~
I do not like this, Sam I Am.
I do not like this silly man.
For she loves him with all her heart
and he doesn't know what tears her apart.
I do not like this fool-boy.
I do not like how this boy toys.
For if he will not take care of her heart,
I'll simply have to tear his world apart.

Shaking My Future (yet again)

So not even a day into dating Tishen-kun, Caleb-kun says he won't be able to stand even talking to me while I'm like this... happy without him, I suppose he thinks. He wants us to go our separatee ways and wants to date other people, live a life that hasn't always been intertwined with mine, even when I was dating other people.
I asked him if I'd hurt him, if I've always been hurting him. It didn't really matter he'd said no. I'd failed him, I thought.
Tishen-kun asked how Caleb was. When I told him he wouldn't really tell him how badly I was hurting him, he comforted me by telling me how happy I was making him.
I can make people happy.
I can make people smile.
I can even make people say they're 'smitten' for me.
But I can't make them love me as much as he does.
And I love so many people. I might even come to love Tishen-kun?
But it's the same for me. I may love him more than Katie-chan, Kitkat-chan, even my forced, running-out-of-time, never-want-to-let-the-memories-fade love for Jekka-nee and Kitty-mama.
So I cry and tell him I need him and he tells me he needs me and we love each other again.
And I'll slip up and accidentally talk about Tishen-kun, or he'll hear rumors.
Anything to remind him that for this little sliver of the endless eternity we'll spend together...
I'm not his.
Even though I may always be.
So for tonight, we're calming down.
Sometimes I wish tomorrow wouldn't come.
Because if it didn't, I wouldn't keep hurting him every night.

Random, strange day

I think I really enjoy blogging... don't tell Jekka-nee. hee hee

So I'd glanced at Mama-chan's note about pajamas. Tyler Riley and I had a conversation about it.
"Everyone's wearing their pajamas," said I. "how about tomorrow we do the same?"
"Sure... Meg, what do you wear to bed?"
"... not much. you?"
"me neither."
"Scratch that."

And I officially have a boyfriend! Yay! ^-^ I don't know where this will lead. How will I tell Seancé-kun?

I'm at school, supposedly researching what I want to do for the rest of my life. Nowhere do they ask whether or not I want to be happy, have children, etc. Shouldn't that be a big part of helping us decide our career?
I'm really good friends with Tishen-kun's ex. I'm glad, because for a day she would just glare at me and I'd just smile wider. When she called me something terrible behind my back, I just smiled and told her to be happy however she wanted to be. I guess my I Kill You With Love worked this time, because now we're talking and smiling and she's even confiding in me.

I think I may end these with one of my instant poems. I really love that place.

My future

I'm getting kinda excited about my future.
I don't think I'm going to realize I'm not leaving with my senpai's until the day they walk across that stage in their gowns and caps and... I ... don't.

I'm going to go to college and get my MFA, which is like a degree for Creative Writing. I'm going to be a writer and live in a house by the sea.

I already... sorta kinda know with whom I want to spend the rest of my life.

There'll be a circular room for my writing at the top of the house that's made out of insulated glass so I can always see the moon and the sea, my two second greatest sources of power. And with my true love downstairs filling our house with music and words in books and my typewriter and computer surrounding me...

there wouldn't be another way I'd want to live..

I may travel to research my stories, but there wouldn't be anything better than coming home to my words and music and sea and moon and his arms again.

I imagine my parents wouldn't approve of this lifestyle. ...

Introduction?

I used to really really not like talking about myself, but I've been getting better at it.

First off, I am not the person one may call Megan.
I am Livot Tadu
Tadu Eldoshu
Moose
Omelette
Snickers
and most importantly, I'm ~ Eppie ~

I've "written" two stories, one that will probably never be really finished and the other with a sequel that just won't work out right now.
I want to be an author when I grow up...

I may periodically write little reminders to myself as to what I should talk about next. Lo siento, desolee.

I randomly speak different languages too. I'm sorry...