Cycles

No wait
I just got hit with a revelation.

Everything cruel I do to my boys,
my little puppets,
is what has been done cruelly to me,
especially by Caleb.

I will not return your love
because he doesn't return mine.

I allow you to swoon and write poetry and confess you love me
because he did the same to me without returning any affection.

I won't answer questions,
because thousands of mine have gone unanswered.

I won't choose one of you,
because I myself have been kept up in the air for months.

I will kiss you but will not love you
because I've been kissed without love too many times.

I will give myself to you for happiness's sake
without caring for you myself
because I want your happiness
just like Caleb does.

I have to think of more then write it on here. Because there are thousands, seriously.


But first, and foremost.
I have left you
because I've grown bored
because I say I've rushed into it
because I say that even though I do love you
it just wasn't meant to be.
All this was done to me.
At least I gave you a longer time for being mine
than he did.
Because I want to be better for him,
him who's always a step in front of me
and not looking back.
I want to be better
and be a puppeteer
when I'm just a puppet myself.

do elephants go through puberty

(The title was what came up on my drop down screen. I liked it)

Caleb told me he was going to ask me out.
And I didn't need that.
(Though it would've been amazing)
I was glad he thought of me
even if someone persuaded him
to not go out with me.

Garett keeps writing this amazing stuff
and Jake says he doesn't want to love me.
Where's Tisen in all this?
Silly puppet got away.

I told Jake I never wanted to be in love.
That's a lie
and he saw right through it.
I feel like I'm lying to him
and to Garett
when I know I'm telling the truth.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough.
Other times I hate them and want them
to get out of my life.
But I've seen them alone.
I've watched the loneliness consume them.
And they look exactly like me
when I'm lonely.
I will not leave them
to this world
because they're better than that.
They're better than me,
but they're also better than loneliness
and I am better than loneliness.

I won't leave them.
I love them.
So much.
They drive me crazy,
I hate them sometimes,
I've thrown my phone across the room
and wanted to smack them until their cheeks are too red.
But I've wanted to hold Garett's head in my lap
and sing for him
and make him smile
in any way I can.

I want to give my all for them.
I'm just so scared to love them.
Don't tell them, but..
I already do.

It's easy to love so many different people
when your heart's been broken as many times
as mine has.
It's just another little piece
that they get to keep for themselves
forever.
and ever.
even if the sky is falling down.

Owl City

So I spent the last two nights talking with Caleb-kun.
Last night he was afraid of the commitment.
I wonder what today will bring.
I just want to love him, that's all.

Now that I've mentioned I have a blog,
my mom will want to see it.
Blogs are a good way
to write often
and true to oneself.
Even a woman at the
Columbia University thing said that.
Of course, she was awful.

I broke up with Garett
and Caleb stepped into my life.
It wasn't even intentional.
But for a few days,
it felt like it used to be.
I'm kinda dumb.
Nothing's as it ever will be.

We listen to Owl City together
and think about each other.
I don't know if that's a good thing
because some songs are about
missing each other all the time
because we can't be together.
but most are rejoicing,
because at least the Owl City guy
knows he's found his love.
Dumb Caleb.
He's found his too.
He just doesn't know what to do.

Yeah, Mom would kill me if she read this.

Jekka-nee called this morning
to see if I wanted to go to an anime convention
at King of Prussia.
This sort of stuff
always burns holes in wallets
and I said I'd need to save up.
Also I have this date tonight.
Which won't be fun..
Or it might be.
I just miss Caleb
because when he's away
there's nowhere I'd rather be
than with him.
And when he's there
and I can rest
in his arms
my ear against his chest
listening to his heartbeat
nothing can offer more happiness.

My couch cushions smell like him.
I wanted to sleep on them last night,
but I think I'll just leave them as they are.
Rest on them sometimes
and breathe him in
like I would
for those few days
when we were in love.