daddy <3

daddy
Originally uploaded by megan_ingraham

I love you dad. i want to see if it would work to steal this off of blogger then.

My Words

He took my words. Words I needed to remember, read, hear. My enter key isn't working. Where are my words? Where's the I love you? I need it. I need to be able to read it and say he did love me. I'm not a whore. Because I'm not. I need my enter key. I need Caleb. He kisses me and loves me and holds me. I love his words. I can save his sweet little comments on my phone and read them. It says "From: Your True Love". That's what he is, on my phone, in my life. I love his kisses and the taste of him. He's much sweeter when he's being gentle with me, but when he wants me, the taste is strong and distinctive. You may not be able to place a scent or taste to lust, but I know it exactly. It's in his eyes, it's in his skin and spreads into mine. But sometimes he's sweet, gentle, kisses me instead of bites me, holds me, not holds me down. The words he whispers in my ear are my words. They belong to no one else but me and him and our skin and our senses. Even the things in his texts or how he asks for me. Everything about him addicts me. Garett took his words from me, he stripped me of a reassurance of good memories. So I read and read of Caleb's love. Sometimes I like provoking Garett to fight me, hate me. Did you know that the opposite of love is not hate? It's indifference. If I could get him to hate me, fight with me, attack me verbally, I could stand that. It's an emotion of passion, just the tiniest slide from love. Poor plaything. You took my words. I wish I could drown you in all the things Caleb tells me, murmurs for me or moans. I wish I could see your eyes close in defeat. You and I are not different. I too was willing to fight for love. But at least I slipped away quietly. You leave like a clumsy moose out of a china shop. This is what happens when you take my words. You allow me to want you to burn in hell. And my words are endless.

But wait!

My stomach hurts
from reading all
of these past posts.
I want to take my
past self and whisper,
do you know,
all this pain?
All this confusion?
It'll be gone.
Jake will leave you.
He'll find a girlfriend.
He won't need you.
And you
won't care.
That makes me grin.
Garett will love you
strongly, secretly,
and Kat will tell you
to throw him away
but you'd rather not
because you don't want
HER touching him.
And because you
love him.
But that's obvious.
Love!
Oh, past self,
you wrote on November 30th
about Jake and Garett
and you didn't even know!
The next day, Caleb
would cry and love you
and come back to you
and hold you and laugh and
ask you out.
And you'll say yes.
You'll lose all your friends,
and you
won't care.
You'll break hearts--
accidentally, of course.
All this pain though.
Gone.
You'll lay in his arms.
You'll forget the past pain.
You'll believe that he
absolutely loves you.
He does.
Now wait just a moment,
while my future self
whispers something
in my own ear.

January 20th.

Oh my.
What an awful thing to leave as the very first thing on my blog.
Of course I love him.
Silly goose.

What do I even write?
Hi, I'm Megan Ingraham.
I won't have sex,
even though people probably
think I already have.
I won't because
I find that my keeping it
from him
is deliciously alluring.
Plus all these promises
I've kept.

I'm a sex addict
without ever even having it.

I'm worried the promises
I'm keeping won't ever mean
a goddamn thing.
Why?
I've made promises.
Yes I'll strip for you.
I'll dance for you.
I'll let you touch my
pretty little skin
before I text my boyfriend.
All of these were to
different guys.
They all left.
I made no promises
to Caleb
and he made none
to me.
We have no bond
to each other that
we have willingly made.
Well, with words, anyway.
Except for laying on his bed
staring up at the ceiling
while he stares at me
smiling very quietly
and saying
I'm yours, are you mine?
Of course I am
of course of course
of course i have to be others' too.
I have to belong to other people.
Have to let Garett know I love him.
Have to show it instead of telling it.
Have to make sure my friends
don't get too attached.
I could leave any day now.

Is it bad that I'd sell
any one of my girlfriends
for a couple of bucks?
That I'm so deep in sin
and hatred and confusion
that I don't even feel regret?
I felt something though
the other day
laying in Caleb's arms.
I told myself,
I didn't love him.
He was not the one for me.

And it felt like truth.

I got ill.
I went to the bathroom
and he held my hair
but I didn't throw up.
My body just churned
internally and
screamed against me,
what?
You lie.
You lie.
You may be hideous,
and stupid,
and a whore
and a slut,
but never, self,
never tell yourself you
do not love this boy.
And I cried and cried.
I didn't tell him,
because I didn't want to
let him know I told myself
I didn't love him.

Because it wasn't true.

The past few days
I've felt it.
I've felt very strongly
in love.
And I have my best friend
beside me
and best friends
talking behind my back
like something
other than friends.

If I could kill one person,
it would probably be a girl.
I could easily kill a man.
Seduce him, lay him down.
I've done it all before.
My skin's elixir enough.
But a girl.
To kill another woman..
I guess I couldn't.
It could break a boy's heart,
it could get a boy
mad at me.

I think I just hate
other girls.
They're all threats,
all better flirts
with prettier bodies.
That's why I like boys
as much as I do,
cling to them,
and have them
cling to me.
Because they look
at me and I know
I am beautiful.
That I can lie to
myself but
they won't lie
to me.
Their eyes tell me
stories and make
me squirm.

Caleb tells me what
their eyes tell me.
He interprets.
That one wants to
be more than friends
and that when he touches
me, he lights up.
It's the closest thing
to jealousy
Caleb's ever come.


Caleb tells me what
their eyes tell me.
He interprets
through himself.
I tell him I worry
for how they will
react, because
I want to tell them
to stop loving me.
He tells me their
eyes haven't given
up on loving me
and he won't either.
It's the closest to
loyalty he's come,
and passed.
It's better than
loyalty,
lust,
want.
It's belonging.

I just remembered I
have to write
something
for the poetry
slam.
Maybe something
from this.
My mom will be
there, watching.
Blushing.
Maybe I should
tell her there.
Stand up, swing
my hips slowly,
take the mike,
and stare her down.
I'm a whore, Mother,
Mother Dear.
Did you know?
Did you let me be?
Couldn't you stop me?
I'm unstoppable anyway.
You knew we weren't
playing Halo.
Did you know I
cheated?
That boys moan
for me sometimes?
That I've woken up
in boys' arms?
Different boys.
Different loves.
Different ways to make
them shiver for me.
Mother Dear.
You poor thing.
You must be soo
embarrassed.

I questioned Caleb
only once about why
he loved me.
For my personality?
For my pretty face?
For my pretty skin
pressed against his?

Because we make
sense to each other,
he tells me,
he tells me again
and again, as I'm
trying to sleep all
alone in this bed.
Because you and I
make exact sense
to each other
and we make sense
together.

He always wins.
I used to always win.
But I'm okay
if he wins
sometimes.
Because I still
feel like when he
looks at me,
what his eyes say,
are the same as what
he texts.
Good and bad.
Hurtful and hurting.
He has an inner self
that he lays down
before me
and I feel like
I don't have to win.

Because I've felt I
have to win, so I
feel like I've
conquered
the greater challenge
of the teenage boy.
Ha! You love me?
Congratulations.
I will most likely
drop you.
Because I win.
Because so many
of you broke my
heart so now I--

Caleb, you broke
my heart.
But it broke worst
when I saw you in
August.
I had a boyfriend,
and you were a
freshman.
Stupid freshmen.
They do something
to me.
Make me feel
important,
strong,
beautiful,
womanly.
Because all they've
dealt with til now
was children.
Little girls with
bodies that didn't
quite match.
They wanted to be
so very grown up.

I'm comfortable
enough that I can
act like a complete
six-year-old, face
and all, and still
go home to a
can of whipped
cream and be torn
as to how to handle it.
Ice cream or skin?

Skin tastes like salt.
Everywhere, actually.
So salty in some places,
it's sweet.
So sweet it makes me
cry and want candy.
Sweet and salty,
like chocolate covered
pretzels.
I eat salt so I know
exactly how to deal
with the taste of skin.
Or because it tastes
absolutely delicious.

I still don't know
how I'm going to
sleep tonight.
There's too many
tests tomorrow.
I'd just like
to stay in bed.

Cycles

No wait
I just got hit with a revelation.

Everything cruel I do to my boys,
my little puppets,
is what has been done cruelly to me,
especially by Caleb.

I will not return your love
because he doesn't return mine.

I allow you to swoon and write poetry and confess you love me
because he did the same to me without returning any affection.

I won't answer questions,
because thousands of mine have gone unanswered.

I won't choose one of you,
because I myself have been kept up in the air for months.

I will kiss you but will not love you
because I've been kissed without love too many times.

I will give myself to you for happiness's sake
without caring for you myself
because I want your happiness
just like Caleb does.

I have to think of more then write it on here. Because there are thousands, seriously.


But first, and foremost.
I have left you
because I've grown bored
because I say I've rushed into it
because I say that even though I do love you
it just wasn't meant to be.
All this was done to me.
At least I gave you a longer time for being mine
than he did.
Because I want to be better for him,
him who's always a step in front of me
and not looking back.
I want to be better
and be a puppeteer
when I'm just a puppet myself.

do elephants go through puberty

(The title was what came up on my drop down screen. I liked it)

Caleb told me he was going to ask me out.
And I didn't need that.
(Though it would've been amazing)
I was glad he thought of me
even if someone persuaded him
to not go out with me.

Garett keeps writing this amazing stuff
and Jake says he doesn't want to love me.
Where's Tisen in all this?
Silly puppet got away.

I told Jake I never wanted to be in love.
That's a lie
and he saw right through it.
I feel like I'm lying to him
and to Garett
when I know I'm telling the truth.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough.
Other times I hate them and want them
to get out of my life.
But I've seen them alone.
I've watched the loneliness consume them.
And they look exactly like me
when I'm lonely.
I will not leave them
to this world
because they're better than that.
They're better than me,
but they're also better than loneliness
and I am better than loneliness.

I won't leave them.
I love them.
So much.
They drive me crazy,
I hate them sometimes,
I've thrown my phone across the room
and wanted to smack them until their cheeks are too red.
But I've wanted to hold Garett's head in my lap
and sing for him
and make him smile
in any way I can.

I want to give my all for them.
I'm just so scared to love them.
Don't tell them, but..
I already do.

It's easy to love so many different people
when your heart's been broken as many times
as mine has.
It's just another little piece
that they get to keep for themselves
forever.
and ever.
even if the sky is falling down.

Owl City

So I spent the last two nights talking with Caleb-kun.
Last night he was afraid of the commitment.
I wonder what today will bring.
I just want to love him, that's all.

Now that I've mentioned I have a blog,
my mom will want to see it.
Blogs are a good way
to write often
and true to oneself.
Even a woman at the
Columbia University thing said that.
Of course, she was awful.

I broke up with Garett
and Caleb stepped into my life.
It wasn't even intentional.
But for a few days,
it felt like it used to be.
I'm kinda dumb.
Nothing's as it ever will be.

We listen to Owl City together
and think about each other.
I don't know if that's a good thing
because some songs are about
missing each other all the time
because we can't be together.
but most are rejoicing,
because at least the Owl City guy
knows he's found his love.
Dumb Caleb.
He's found his too.
He just doesn't know what to do.

Yeah, Mom would kill me if she read this.

Jekka-nee called this morning
to see if I wanted to go to an anime convention
at King of Prussia.
This sort of stuff
always burns holes in wallets
and I said I'd need to save up.
Also I have this date tonight.
Which won't be fun..
Or it might be.
I just miss Caleb
because when he's away
there's nowhere I'd rather be
than with him.
And when he's there
and I can rest
in his arms
my ear against his chest
listening to his heartbeat
nothing can offer more happiness.

My couch cushions smell like him.
I wanted to sleep on them last night,
but I think I'll just leave them as they are.
Rest on them sometimes
and breathe him in
like I would
for those few days
when we were in love.