In School

I'm supposed to be doing an in-class write right now.
It's for a grade
and I just don't feel like it.

:)

I dreamt about cake last night.
If you haven't noticed,
this isn't going to be romantic.
This is going to be me
avoiding my in-class write
and the grade
I just don't feel like getting.

I got Advanced in my 4sights,
and I'm proud.
I'm more proud of saving
my friend last night.
I told her she was worth
millions
and that I loved her.
She called me
and said she'd told herself
that would be her last text.
She sent me a picture of the noose.
I cried and wished I were there
so I could hug her.

See, I can do this.
I can write this.
I can't write about someone else's
story,
their reactions to things,
their heart.
can't do it.
don't want to..

my boy will ask me why.
because i didn't feel like it?
i dont even feel like capitalizing..
i'll get started..
because time's
almost
up

Conversation with Cierra

arreic627 [11:50 P.M.]: why did you guys break up in the first place...?Pumagrl1130 [11:50 P.M.]: i dont even remember -- i think it was temptation --my friend liked me-- and i was just pulled away -- i was so torn, bc my best friends didnt even recognize garett and i as something that was going to last Pumagrl1130 -- and i got too scared about what they thought-- and what they wanted-- but i realized on sunday sitting there listening to "our" song, that it wasnt their song, it wasnt their eyes stinging from too many tears. it was mine, those feelings i had were mine, and they shouldnt have touched them arreic627 [11:52 P.M.]: as long as your happy-- and he treats you well-- then i am happy

Truths

I was beautiful.
But it was sexiness. It was the ability to flash skin, brush up against something, wink of the eye, toss of the hair, a grin, a curl of the lips. The sort of things that drive a guy crazy. Giving him what he wants and then some. They think they're getting lucky. I make them think again. They're left with more than what they'd expected and less than they'd wanted.
I was beautiful because I was wanted, lusted after. Poetry written praising my skin and eyes that flash like fire and the swaying of my hips.
I was like Marilyn Monroe, know her? She was a sex toy, the perfect woman, beautiful in every way. But she also had brains. She had thoughts and perspectives on life that were like poetry in big bold letters. Here's some of her quotes http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/m/marilyn_monroe.html
Of course, I wasn't that sort of beautiful for everyone. The real me can be found in Tisen's and Caleb's words. They know me best, more than I know myself. Actually. I guess I just can't explain.

I wish I could.

Tell me a truth.
Don't tell me lies.
Don't you know I've heard enough of those?
And enough of truths that aren't lies now, but aren't truths anymore.
Boys tell me they love me a lot. A lot a lot. And then they don't mean it.

Or I break their hearts.
Don't I warn them? Every time I do.
Since the first heart I broke.

How about some story time?
I didn't break the heart first. My own was broken.
I don't remember what I thought of my boyfriend before it,
but when he suddenly broke up with me,
just because we were going into high school,
it shattered.
And it shattered more when I found out he'd been cheating,
and more when other boys wouldn't take care of it.
I don't remember when I broke my first heart actually.
But it was definitely a conscious effort,
a sort of.. pay back?
I was beautiful, my boyfriend taught me everything, I gave him.. I nearly gave him everything.. and he left me. What made any other boy worth it at all?
That was my reasoning.

I guess I'll have to talk about it later where it began to flip from the boy not being worth it to me not being worth it. I guess when the guys started leaving me instead of leaving them.

But until then.. this boy is worth it. He makes me feel worth it. All these feelings-- worth it.

And I just found the quote that I've had to live by for a long time. What am I going to do with you, Garett-kun? Making me rethink everything I thought I was sure about in relationships?! <3
"A wise girl kisses but does not love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left."

Ink Girl

Writing makes me feel better.
Here's some of the ideas spinning around in my head,
for a story I'll write some day.

• A ghost pedophile only children can see. Kids start disappearing or showing signs of rape. Who? How? And why is it that there isn't even a fingerprint? (Kinda dark..)
• A coming-of-age story from the perspective of the imaginary friend. She dies in the end, or doesn't. Who knows.
• Daytime Lullaby -- that's the title. It's the same as the title of the song that Caleb-kun wrote for me. He requested it a little over a month ago, that I write down the story of our love life. It's really just depressing. He gets girlfriends, I get boyfriends, he wants me back, and most of the time I leave my boyfriends for him. I wonder how he'd react if I told him I won't do that this time, that I won't leave Garett-kun. Anyway, the nights we spent together, the days we'd go out and not stop smiling. I can't write it when he has his girlfriends though, it's all too sad. And I feel awful writing about the memories when I have Garett-kun. When I'm in those memories, I'm in love with Caleb. I won't go into them when I have Garett-kun, not until I'm ready.
• I feel like I should write the story of Eppie-chan, about how I came to be surrounded by older people who love me and I love them. Maybe it'll be a short story. Maybe a collection of poems. But definitely happiness. Maybe I'll give it to them on the day of my graduation from high school.
• Have you ever wondered if there were a world of math? That maybe squares wanted to be rectangles and couldn't be? That lines want to be parabolas and there was a giant math war? I wondered that. And one day I may even write about it.
• I know I'll want to write and illustrate a children's book. Something simple and pretty. :)
• What else? Is that it? There feels like there's so much more. Cursed stories *shakes fist*
• And then there's the sequel that I'll probably never write
• And I never finished Through My Eyes. I can't bring myself to it >.<

Really? How much room has this taken up? A lot? ^ - ^'' sorry. I really don't want to go to bed. I want to stay up and write and then just throw away that evil test tomorrow.

Evil test..

Let's see. I'm still not dressed. I've gone to bed not dressed or when I'm home alone I'll walk around naked. That might be one of the reasons I'm never getting married.

Never getting married. Ever ever. I'm going to be a Latin teacher and then at night I'll write. And I'll have a piano for when Caleb-kun comes to visit and he'll play for me and I'll write for him. Happiness. Never getting married. I'll have two dogs and children -- of course, they'll be made out of paper and ink. :)

I think if I knew I was going to die, I'd want someone to inject ink into my blood. If it were up to me, I'd get my skin turned into paper and blood mixed with ink and have probably Daytime Lullaby printed on it. I'd haunt that thing like no shit.

Well that was creepy AND morbid.

If I ever donated an organ I'd want the doctors to also send a copy of one of my books. "Hey, you got a liver. It's actually the liver of this fantastic writer!! Here's one of her books!" It's cocky, but fuck, it's my liver.

Still not dressed. Kinda cold. And it's nearly 11. I just freaked out because I was afraid I wouldn't get my homework done. Then I remembered the evil test.

To be made out of paper and ink. I think I'd envy my "children". Maybe in a stroke of madness I'd burn them all.

Now I'm just being scary.

This is really long at this point. And I'm rambling. And I think Garett's sleepy.

And I can't even wake him up by turning him on. That's what I do with all of my guy friends, wake them up that way. *laughs lightly* Why am I, a ho, dating such a non-sexual person!? Will it be good for me? Probably.

Who knows.

It's Jekka's birthday soon. I'm all excited. I need to buy her more gifts.. I may do that on Thursday. *shrugs*

God I love her.

Lord, help me out tomorrow, okay? this test won't be easy. And they probably won't even let me listen to music, which is depressing. I'll listen to the Moonlight Sonata tomorrow though, that'll help me.

I love the moon too. Where is she tonight? I wish she'd dance for me.

I'll dance for her instead. Sleep well, beautiful moon, rest yourself. Your little nymph will dance instead. <3

This is probably a bad idea to give this site url to Garett-kun, seeing as it talks about Caleb-kun a lot.. Whoops? I'll look back and try to make up for them.

Welcome :D Basically, what this will be is Daily Sparks, which is a book series where you're given daily writing prompts. Really good for writers.. Also, it may be like a journal.
As I've told you,
these words will hurt you. Especially what I've written about Caleb-kun.
these words will confuse you.
But I know something, and it might be conceited, but I still like the thought of it. These words won't take you from me. You promised me you'd be here for me, that I could exist outside of your affection and for other people's love, but that you still want to be mine.
Silly boy, what have you gotten yourself into?