Truths

I was beautiful.
But it was sexiness. It was the ability to flash skin, brush up against something, wink of the eye, toss of the hair, a grin, a curl of the lips. The sort of things that drive a guy crazy. Giving him what he wants and then some. They think they're getting lucky. I make them think again. They're left with more than what they'd expected and less than they'd wanted.
I was beautiful because I was wanted, lusted after. Poetry written praising my skin and eyes that flash like fire and the swaying of my hips.
I was like Marilyn Monroe, know her? She was a sex toy, the perfect woman, beautiful in every way. But she also had brains. She had thoughts and perspectives on life that were like poetry in big bold letters. Here's some of her quotes http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/m/marilyn_monroe.html
Of course, I wasn't that sort of beautiful for everyone. The real me can be found in Tisen's and Caleb's words. They know me best, more than I know myself. Actually. I guess I just can't explain.

I wish I could.

Tell me a truth.
Don't tell me lies.
Don't you know I've heard enough of those?
And enough of truths that aren't lies now, but aren't truths anymore.
Boys tell me they love me a lot. A lot a lot. And then they don't mean it.

Or I break their hearts.
Don't I warn them? Every time I do.
Since the first heart I broke.

How about some story time?
I didn't break the heart first. My own was broken.
I don't remember what I thought of my boyfriend before it,
but when he suddenly broke up with me,
just because we were going into high school,
it shattered.
And it shattered more when I found out he'd been cheating,
and more when other boys wouldn't take care of it.
I don't remember when I broke my first heart actually.
But it was definitely a conscious effort,
a sort of.. pay back?
I was beautiful, my boyfriend taught me everything, I gave him.. I nearly gave him everything.. and he left me. What made any other boy worth it at all?
That was my reasoning.

I guess I'll have to talk about it later where it began to flip from the boy not being worth it to me not being worth it. I guess when the guys started leaving me instead of leaving them.

But until then.. this boy is worth it. He makes me feel worth it. All these feelings-- worth it.

And I just found the quote that I've had to live by for a long time. What am I going to do with you, Garett-kun? Making me rethink everything I thought I was sure about in relationships?! <3
"A wise girl kisses but does not love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left."