April 14th::~ Asked to be his girlfriend ~ *his idea*
April 15th::
- First Day of Relationship, told lots of people
- (Approx.)10:30 PM :: Breakup ~his idea~
Probably within the next week:: Everything will be okay, he won't feel trapped and Tadu will stop riding me about my extremely low self-esteem. Well, I think it's okay if he breaks up with me, because I know he's gonna come back at some point, perhaps even after growing after a relationship with someone else. (Does he know that's okay?) I'll be here. That drives Tadu crazy, she can't believe I'd wait around.
Who knows? Maybe he'll actually be telling me he loves me again by Saturday.
I feel this is a weekly cycle...
I don't even feel the pains of breakup. Do we need a tub of ice cream, sad sobby movies? Nope. I think he's numbed my senses. And I live by extremes. Because of him? If I don't live all my emotions as strongly as possible, I feel numb, monotone, like I'm getting worn down? Maybe I am.
I don't even know what I'd do if someone asked me out. Have I worn Caleb-kun down so much too that it wouldn't hurt him either?
I can't stand us apart, he can't stand us together. It was well symbolized today when I had "in a relationship" as a status on Facebook and he still hadn't changed it from "single".
Still would've adored how the little skanks that follow him around would've taken his click of the button to "In a Relationship". He's too nice though, maybe that's why he said he wasn't ready for me.
Like Romeo said to Juliet, he is the pilgrim and she the saint. I know what I'm doing. I'm glad I don't know how to legitimately kill someone, don't know where to hit for torture or quick deaths, never shot a gun, couldn't handle poison. I couldn't kill, because I regret fast.
(well that was saintly now wasn't it? after all, im the monster and he's the angel, no matter how many people see it otherwise. perhaps even he sees me as the monster now)
And tomorrow he'll wake up and realize his terrible mistake and come back again and again. ... and again and again...
I worry about tomorrow. I worry about tonight. But I don't worry about today. Wonder how people will take it on Facebook. "A day-long relationship?" I know my mother will want to kill him. But I could tell Facebook, "oh, just a mistake, a slip of the mouse". I never typed in his name anyway. That would've trapped him, I guess. But that excuse is in no way legitimate. There was no accident. I just screwed something up again today.
Tadu would kill me if she saw that, me saying I screwed up. She just keeps hating him. I wonder what will go through her head next time she sees us. Wonder what will go through his.
I keep saying I love him to myself like a mantra. Like it'll save me until tomorrow.
Waiting for tomorrow. Again. Weird, how it doesn't change. After all, it doesn't come anyway.
