Life is a chess game.
I "shouldn't treat people like pawns"
he said. So I began to think.

Maybe that's all they are,
the boys who ask me out,
give me their numbers,
smile when I tell them I almost texted them.
Frown when I repeat the almost.

Yes, it's working.
They're lined up for me,
to protect me,
live for me,
die for me.
My little pawns.
Little playthings.

My rooks, Mama-chan and Uru-nii,
rushing ever forward,
reminding me not to forget simplicity,
frontal attacks and defense.

My parents, the bishops,
reminding me of God's love,
slipping in to help at diagonals.
They can only live in
black or white

My knights,
Tadu-chan,
Jekka-nee.
Protecting me in ways
unexpected.
Important.
I can't conquer without my knights.
Sometimes I even move them first,
out of harm,
to keep myself safe too.

And the queen!
Unconquerable,
she can't be controlled,
contained,
captured.
Feigns defenseless
and springs her trap.
She has no rules or limitations,
she moves as she pleases
where she pleases.
The queen is key,
important,
needed.
Irreplaceable.

The queen is hit!
The world stands still...

Pawns shove forward

into harm's path,

to bring her back.

Many are lost

but she is safe.

She steals more pawns,

rooks,

bishops,

knights!
The queen is unstoppable!

What did they just say?

He is exposed.

What did they say?

Unsafe.

What--?

Alone.

Afraid.

Defenseless.

They repeat themselves.

I've failed him,

couldn't do such a simple thing,

got overconfident,

got the pawns' hopes high,

misunderstood the rooks' advice,

ignored the bishops' quiet strengths

probably even slaughtered the faithful knights.

"Checkmate."

Because a queen is nothing without him.

There was no reason I was here but to do one thing.

And he's gone, taken.

My game is over,

my tricks and traps taken apart.

Because, even through it all,

I could not protect my king.

For him.

He'd promised.
Promised me that today we'd be together.

I try to ask myself
did he say no because
he knew it was wrong?
Or because he still wanted to?

Did he say no because
he didn't want to kiss me?
Or because a kiss wouldn't be enough?

He'd promised.

He'd built me up
given me so much strength
made me feel confident
sexy
... My god he'd made me feel beautiful.
Because I was his.
I am his.
I will ... always be his.

But he'd promised--
today we'd be together.
He'd be just as much mine
as I was his.

And he broke it.
Just as I've been breaking promises.
He rejected being mine
after promising.

We kissed once.
And he said no.
He broke his goddamn promise.
And if he'll do that...
what other promises will he break?

"By My Side"

From the Musical "Godspell"

Where are you going? Where are you going?
Will you take me with you?
For my hand is cold and needs warmth.
Where are you going?

Far beyond where the horizon lies, where the horizon lies,
and the land sinks into mellow blueness.

Oh please take me with you.

Let me skip the road with you,
I can dare myself, I can dare myself.
I'll put a pebble in my shoe and watch me walk,
I can walk and walk.
I shall call the pebble Dare

We will talk together about walking,
Dare shall be carried,
and when we both have had enough,
I will take him from my shoe, singing,
"Meet your new road"
Then I'll take your hand
finally glad that you are here
by my side
by my side
by my side, that you are here,
by my side.

"Maybe"

I like singing this.
"Maybe" from Annie

Maybe far away, or maybe real nearby,
he may be pouring her coffee
she may be straight'ning his tie.

Maybe in a house all hidden by a hill,
she's sitting play pianah.
he's sitting paying a bill.

Betcha they're young, betcha they're smart,
bet they collect things like ashtrays and art.
Betcha they're good, why shouldn't they be?
Their one mistake was giving up me.

So maybe now it's time,
and maybe when I wake,
they'll be there calling me Baby.
Maybe.

Betcha he reads, betcha she sews,
maybe she's made me a closet of clothes.
Maybe they're strict, as straight as a line.
Don't really care. As long as they're mine.

So maybe now this prayer's
the last one of its kind.
Won't you please come get your baby?
Maybe.

Tishen-kun's Valentine Questions

what kind of jewelry do u like?

"lets see... i really like necklaces, because my neck used to be really ticklish, like when my best friend had once wrapped her arms around my shoulder and was speaking to someone, her breath had tickled my neck and it was just so ticklish and wonderful. so i really like necklaces... i lose bracelets too easily because they feel like shackles, which terrify me, and i dont get to even see earrings heh"

Do u prefer gold or silver?

"It really doesn't matter. Which costs less?""which do you generally think is prettier?" "let's come back to that."

Favorite gem stone?

after looking for a long time, i gave up and he suggested mystic fire topaz.

<----

Favorite flower?

"Daisies!" "You're so adorable!"

Favorite color rose?

"Orange roses communicate desire, enthusiasm and fascination. They make an excellent choice for a new relationship that you wish to pursue further."

Favorite type of chocolate?

"Dark white or milk?" "Milk pweez!" "what filling?" "i like caramel "

I just felt like writing about that...

I do not like this boy for what he does to her.

Here's my resolution for tomorrow.
Make her happy.
Even in the littlest ways.

My senior friends think Eppie-chan's so terribly adorable and innocent. I hope he thinks so as well. I feel like the girl from Hard Candy (note to self, kill pedophiles *hee hee*). innocent and vulnerable. mhmm.

Katie-tadu wonders why I hang out with them. It's because of this, because of what Brandon-senpai and I are doing. "Contriving." <- new word. i learned lots of new words today. but where tadu-chan and our friends would speak it out, we plot. we speak with one another with concern not disdain of our problems.

how i'll miss them. how i'll miss this all.

~ Instant Poem ~
I do not like this, Sam I Am.
I do not like this silly man.
For she loves him with all her heart
and he doesn't know what tears her apart.
I do not like this fool-boy.
I do not like how this boy toys.
For if he will not take care of her heart,
I'll simply have to tear his world apart.

Shaking My Future (yet again)

So not even a day into dating Tishen-kun, Caleb-kun says he won't be able to stand even talking to me while I'm like this... happy without him, I suppose he thinks. He wants us to go our separatee ways and wants to date other people, live a life that hasn't always been intertwined with mine, even when I was dating other people.
I asked him if I'd hurt him, if I've always been hurting him. It didn't really matter he'd said no. I'd failed him, I thought.
Tishen-kun asked how Caleb was. When I told him he wouldn't really tell him how badly I was hurting him, he comforted me by telling me how happy I was making him.
I can make people happy.
I can make people smile.
I can even make people say they're 'smitten' for me.
But I can't make them love me as much as he does.
And I love so many people. I might even come to love Tishen-kun?
But it's the same for me. I may love him more than Katie-chan, Kitkat-chan, even my forced, running-out-of-time, never-want-to-let-the-memories-fade love for Jekka-nee and Kitty-mama.
So I cry and tell him I need him and he tells me he needs me and we love each other again.
And I'll slip up and accidentally talk about Tishen-kun, or he'll hear rumors.
Anything to remind him that for this little sliver of the endless eternity we'll spend together...
I'm not his.
Even though I may always be.
So for tonight, we're calming down.
Sometimes I wish tomorrow wouldn't come.
Because if it didn't, I wouldn't keep hurting him every night.

Random, strange day

I think I really enjoy blogging... don't tell Jekka-nee. hee hee

So I'd glanced at Mama-chan's note about pajamas. Tyler Riley and I had a conversation about it.
"Everyone's wearing their pajamas," said I. "how about tomorrow we do the same?"
"Sure... Meg, what do you wear to bed?"
"... not much. you?"
"me neither."
"Scratch that."

And I officially have a boyfriend! Yay! ^-^ I don't know where this will lead. How will I tell Seancé-kun?

I'm at school, supposedly researching what I want to do for the rest of my life. Nowhere do they ask whether or not I want to be happy, have children, etc. Shouldn't that be a big part of helping us decide our career?
I'm really good friends with Tishen-kun's ex. I'm glad, because for a day she would just glare at me and I'd just smile wider. When she called me something terrible behind my back, I just smiled and told her to be happy however she wanted to be. I guess my I Kill You With Love worked this time, because now we're talking and smiling and she's even confiding in me.

I think I may end these with one of my instant poems. I really love that place.

My future

I'm getting kinda excited about my future.
I don't think I'm going to realize I'm not leaving with my senpai's until the day they walk across that stage in their gowns and caps and... I ... don't.

I'm going to go to college and get my MFA, which is like a degree for Creative Writing. I'm going to be a writer and live in a house by the sea.

I already... sorta kinda know with whom I want to spend the rest of my life.

There'll be a circular room for my writing at the top of the house that's made out of insulated glass so I can always see the moon and the sea, my two second greatest sources of power. And with my true love downstairs filling our house with music and words in books and my typewriter and computer surrounding me...

there wouldn't be another way I'd want to live..

I may travel to research my stories, but there wouldn't be anything better than coming home to my words and music and sea and moon and his arms again.

I imagine my parents wouldn't approve of this lifestyle. ...

Introduction?

I used to really really not like talking about myself, but I've been getting better at it.

First off, I am not the person one may call Megan.
I am Livot Tadu
Tadu Eldoshu
Moose
Omelette
Snickers
and most importantly, I'm ~ Eppie ~

I've "written" two stories, one that will probably never be really finished and the other with a sequel that just won't work out right now.
I want to be an author when I grow up...

I may periodically write little reminders to myself as to what I should talk about next. Lo siento, desolee.

I randomly speak different languages too. I'm sorry...